Dear Mr. Mullen,
I write to you today in solidarity with you and your plight, old stick. Much like Mr. David Quinn, you are of stout, Catholic (if not desperatly The Rural) stock and I am loathe to see the dangerous homosexooals of the liberal, lefty press teeing off on you. You sir, are not one who fears The Gay. Rather, you stand up in front of them and, well, inconvenience them for a bit during the Civil Partnership Bill in the Seanaid. Bloody good show, old trout! Futile, obviously, but having to wait around for a bit before it got put through really stuck it to them, damn their flamboyant souls!
The Gay. Pictured celebrating the passing of the Civil Partnership Bill. (Artists Rendition)
After such heroics against The Gay in the Seanaid you’d think the thoughtless bastards would have some gratitude after you tried to save them from themselves but no – they’re investigating you! What nonsense! The complainant (a left wing, liberal media loving, God hating atheist Gay, no doubt) wants you to be compelled to tell who told you that you should claim fraudulent expenses and uphold a moral standard of blah blah blah yackity shmackity.
When I think of those horrible people in the press and in the Seanaid lashing you with preconceived opinions and then stating said opinions as facts your squeezable hamster cheeks springs to my mind, and I weep, dear boy.
Was I at the celebration old trout, I would be on YOUR shoulders squeezing both your cheeks with joyous vigour!
Those that say that this is exactly what you did with The Gay Bill are just being arseholes, old stick. Arseholes. Pardon the profanity, but I use it because what is happening to you now, old boy, is a scandal. Who cares about Anglo getting €10 billion more that the proles will never see again – you feel wronged! This is important! And newsworthy!
The person that told you this – who totally exists, I should add and was in no way a shallow construct designed to get yourself back in the press to show you had opinions other than those based solely on The Gay, thus proving yourself as being more than a 2D ideologue tinged with failure after the CP Bill passed in what could well be an election year. (phew!) – deserves your protection old boy!
This corner of the Internets will always hold a warm welcome for you, old stick. Never forget that.
God Be With You Old Trout.
Yours, etc
Randall Harper
The Gentlemen's Room 
nice. licitatii